Why, Papa?

No, this isn't another one of those 'cartune universe', 'cartoon world', or any other crap-related stuff...

Let me confess that two weeks after school ended for me I found my old paint supplies from the very first year of college and decided to get back into painting. I'm not the best painter but I'm still working on it... I decided to paint a picture portraying a mood I have whenever I think about HIM.

Yeah, the title says it all...it's relates to my feelings regarding the man I'm ashamed to call my dad.

Remember back in January when I made that Twilight Sparkle and Mr. Baldwin picture to show how much I missed my dad while he was in the Philippines? cartuneslover16.deviantart.com…


Screw EVERY word I said about him.


Why am I suddenly talking about this? Because Father's Day is coming this weekend and I want everyone to know that I'll probably be the ONLY person to dread it.

Because that is only holiday that will forever bring pain to both me and my mom.
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What happened, you may ask? Well, let me summarize:


The night dad came home, I was so happy and it was all three of us at the dinner table again, eating noodles and talking about each other's enjoyment during the holidays. We were the same as usual.

But sometime after January 28th, my mom's birthday, while I was watching a new Doc McStuffins Valentine's Day episode, I heard my mom storm into my dad's room. She started yelling at him, and I got pretty scared and really didn't want to hear anything, so I closed my door.

The noise resumed, and suddenly I heard my mom crying, and then heard my dad in a surprisingly calm tone. It was frightening. Then my mom opened my door, and I saw tears in her eyes. She told me that she and dad had something to discuss with me so I went to his room.

What I learned just KILLED me.

During his time in the Philippines, when mom and I assumed dad was going to visit his mother...his mother was NEVER there, and dad spent his time just being among old friends.

Not only that, dad was dating various women, and spending nearly a fortune for each of them. Mom had received the bill the day I found out.

Dad confessed that he wanted to be independent, that he just wanted to be by himself and live his OWN life. But that he still loved me...even though he didn't love my mom anymore.

I still remember those exact words exchanged between my parents:

Mom: Don't you love me?

Dad:...what do you think?

Mom: I'm asking you!

So many things were spinning around in my mind, and suddenly I felt like I was looking at a complete stranger.

Who was this man? What happened to my dad?

I was furious. So I cursed him out, and he told me to watch my mouth. Well, I'm DONE watching my mouth, I'm tired of being silent when he talks. I can't look at him the same way anymore.

When did I find out all of this?

The day I posted that Sunil Nevla picture of him representing Applejack's Element of Honesty cartuneslover16.deviantart.com….

After the truth came out, things became totally different in our household. Mom was distant, dad acted as if nothing had happened. And me? I just prayed and prayed even HARDER, hoping we could return to the way things were.

The day before Valentine's Day rolled around and I felt things were starting to piece themselves back together, we even went out to dinner at a nice restaurant with my godparents and suddenly I felt a kick in my step, feeling that our family was returning to the way it was.

But the hope was DESTROYED when my mom threw my dad out of our house, my godparents silently watching in despair while comforting. Apparently, this had been planned for some time and dad had a bag ready for his LAST night under MY roof.

I was heartbroken, angry that our family was no longer a family. I cried as I hugged my dad one more time, hearing him promise he'll still be supporting us, especially me. I begged him to promise that he'll come back we could be a family again.

He didn't respond to that. He couldn't make THAT promise.

And to think this all happened the day before VALENTINE'S DAY.
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After a while, I started getting used to the fact that my father was no longer living with us and it was just us women now. Recently we rented my dad's old room to a friend from the hospital my mom works at and I really like her; I call her Aunt.

You want to know how I feel about my father now?

Well, let me tell you...I've never been a bitter woman before.

I know what REAL hate feels like, and thinking over the reason why my father was thrown out in the first place...it was his fault. ALL HIS FAULT.

He hurt my mother. He threw away EVERYTHING just to feel like a man 20 years younger. The women he had been dating were a year older than ME.

I don't know why the Hell I was crying FOR him when I realized now he betrayed ME, the daughter who looked up to him all those years, who was so close to him.

I still wonder today what had happened to my dad...


The dad who taught me how to ride a bike.
The dad who bought me my dog.
The dad who always baked zucchini bread and would one day teach me(that day will never come).
The dad who would sing out of tune just to make us laugh.
The dad who spent an entire day painting my room when I was a little kid with no need for even my mom's help.
The dad who knew how much I loved Garfield and bought me a Garfield beanie baby that one V-Day when I was a little kid.
The dad who helped me practice driving for the first time and comforted me when I crashed it right into a wall.
The dad who was there cheering for me when I passed my driving exam on ONE try.
The dad who rescued stray kittens that are now grown cats in our house today.
The dad who said he was so proud of me graduating.
The dad who said he was proud of me going to a good college.
The dad I thought would watch me graduate college with my mom beside him...


He's not my dad. He's just my father. And to be called a father just means he was the reason for the 'operation', it doesn't have to mean anything else.

And I can't hide the fact that I HATE him...though deep down I still love him, but won't admit it.


One time he texted me and said that his apartment was ready and suggested I visit some time. I texted right back 'Not going to happen'. He understood, and I KNOW I hurt him BADLY...that's EXACTLY what I wanted him to feel.

Back in February, sometime after V-Day, when he came to drop off some money he was about to lean in to kiss my cheek. I backed away and said 'Save it for your whore.'. That upset dad, and that's what I WANTED him to feel.

Today we just meet every other Sunday and I give him his mail, and he gives me my allowance, and that's pretty much it. It's just so awkward and uncomfortable now to even be near him. Everyone in church already knew he and mom separated. Only a given few knew the reason why.

My father used to be deacon of the church. Then he resigned and has become distant from the fellowship. I'm not surprised. I still give him the bitter tone for every five minutes we only have together.

Why this sad excuse for a painting reflects that emotion:

Well, I thank both and MLP FIM Wikia for giving me more information on that pink alicorn. I learned she used to be a pegasus and was found in the woods as a baby by Earth ponies who raised and took care of her, before she discovered her magic of love and was found by Celestia and adopted as her royal niece.

Cadence doesn't have any biological family...and it makes me wonder how she ended up in the woods in the first place:

a.) Either her parents were killed or b.) She was abandoned.


I'm really leaning forward the latter. At least she didn't receive REAL pain like I had back in January. To wonder what her parents, mainly her father, were like could have either relieved her or broken her heart.

Because though my heart already mended, there's still that little piece that will never fix.

What I USED to feel for my father is gone completely, and I'll never look at him the same way again.

You may think I'm a selfish, insensitive, callous person for feeling such...but how would YOU feel if you realized your own father cheated on your mom with various sluts, spent a good amount of money, and decided to leave the family?

God may have forgiven him...but I NEVER will.
NEVER. FREAKING. WILL.


You know what I call him behind his back?
Tiger Woods


Seeing what my own father has done, it's really decimated my belief that there ever really is any hope for a solid marriage in the world of today. The divorce rate of America has gotten higher than it had five years ago, parents argue, children are distressed. I just can't believe I'm one of them now. If my parents' marriage couldn't survive...what hope is there for others? The lucky people, I guess...


This is exactly why I rely heavily on cartoons and refer to them in my time of need. Because, let me be honest, they raised me more. And they taught me better.

These are one of those days where I realize reality truly does suck. Compared to the cartoons, we live in a world full of misery and disaster not even the most tear-jerking anime show could top it.

It's now June 13, Father's Day is this Sunday...and I will NOT celebrate it, and my father will probably be at some bar to celebrate by HIMSELF. I'm okay now, I still cry sometimes, but I have good friends and my dear, sweet mom there for me.

With them, I feel like the richest person in the world...something my father USED to teach me before he suddenly changed and spent his credit card as if he Donald Trump.

His lessons are done and had ended in failure. I'm learning new, better lessons on my own, and with the good people beside me...and cartoons. I thank Disney Junior for being the network that helps bring that smile on my face and helps me keep going. I thank every cartoon I see on TV in general to help me push away the sadness and aid me that my life is still there, and I'm strong.

Love is strength. That's where Cadence's power comes from, remember?

I thank everyone who had taken the time to look at this and know that not everything in my life is sunshine and butterflies and I apologize if you suddenly look at me differently...

My life is happy now, my mom and I are closer than ever, I'm going into my junior year at college this fall, I'm still pursuing my dreams and feel like I'm almost there, and a lot of good movies to look forward to this summer...

Back then I just wanted to die...today, I'm living.









Princess Cadence from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (c) Lauren